Ayah, my tears can't never bring back your smile, can't never replace your calmness, patience and honesty ...
June 25, 2009, Thursday, around 4.30 pm. While I was having a discussion with my immediate supervisor, my hp was ringing, I ran slowly to my work station and picked up the phone. My niece (Kak Enod) called and she said, "Acu, Tok Wan accident naik motor ... teruk jugak ... kena bawa ke Hospital Besar Ipoh...". After clarified a few critical points with her, uninvitedly the only thing that straight away came to my mind, though I tried to deny as much as I could, and tried to be positive as posibble that thing will be alright, was I'm gonna lose my "Ayah". I didn't have this kind of feeling when I received a phone call from Chak a few months ago informing me that Ayah had an accident when he was driving his car.
Redha dan tawakkal - I was calm at the beginning though there was a heavy mixture of emotions - sad, sorrow, regret, etc.. increasingly afflicting my mind and soul. Composedly, I went to surau (it's Asar prayer time) then called my wife (she was in the meeting) but managed to get her somehow. Then, took the train and walked to my wife's office. Drove back to BBB (in KL traffic condition - wish I could fly) to pick up my kids and maid. Only after Maghrib we managed to drive to Ipoh from BBB and once again, how I wish to have a pair of wings for a few minutes or hours in my entire life, though I know I wish for an impossible wish... We reached Ipoh at about 10.00 pm. Emak, my sisters and a few family members had arrived. Ayah was in the ER undergone emergency procedures. Few minutes later, they allowed me to go in. Yes, physically Ayah was unconscious (as what everybody told me). Sadly and softly, I whispered to him that I'm here beside him, then I saw his eyebrows and forehead lines were moving responding to my voice. I touched his old and weak fingers - not as strong as before or in those years that worked hard to raise me, then I realised those fingers move, again he responded to me. I held his fingers cautiously - though not as good as the way he touched my fingers more than three decades ago, I had a strong feeling that he knew that I was standing right beside him. Helplessly, my heart was screaming and begging, for even a single word - I wanted him to talk to me, and for only one eye blink, if possible - I wanted him to see me, to see my presence, to see my hope, for the last time, perhaps.
Later, the doctor called me and my sisters to explain about Ayah's condition - internal head bleeding, broken collar bone and five out of seven left ribs . Allah..!! That was the only word that came out. The doctor need our decision on whether to undergo head operation (with a very slim chance) or to pray, wait and see. Four of us (Kak, Chak, Chik and me) agreed for the latter. Tawakkal, as Allah knows the best for Ayah.
In early morning, Ayah was transferred to HDU. The nurses that handled Ayah's condition were excellent - supportive, understanding and professional. I can't literally put in writing how was the feeling looking at Ayah who was fighting with all the pains. Maximum morphine was given with all the life support equipments, I just couldn't stop my tears from flowing heavily. Before this, I'm not a man who could simply shed my tears. I wish l could tell everybody that came in and out, one after another to visit Ayah, how's the feeling inside. Thanks for eveybody that came and for the prayer and sympathy. Couldn't recall as there were too many friends and families that came.
June 27, 2009, Saturday, 2.30 pm, Ayah is buried peacefully in the land, not the land where he was born, but the land where I was born, and the land where Ayah's sweat and tears dropped to raise me, to feed me, to eqiup me with knowledge, to make me happy, despite all the hard work and life that he has been through. Thanks very much Ayah and forgive me for being far from the good son that I 'm supposed to be. "Hanya doa terukir setulusnya hati, kupinta padamu Ilahi setiap hari...". Al-Fatihah.
Two questions for myself - 1) Would I be able to be as good as Ayah, at least to my kids..? 2) Have I done enough (though forever seems not enough) for Ayah if not here, but there - hereafter?... All the answers lie within me ....
