Nukilan untuk Ayah (setelah 2 tahun Ayah dijemput pergi)

Ayah

Dalam sibuk ulang pergi meniti hari

Ada kala lubuk hati tanya sendiri

Adakah aku masih dibuai mimpi

Puas ku yakini esok kau takkan kembali

Ayah

Sekujur jasad tanpa suara hela nafas tersisa

Ku di sisi damba renungmu walau sekilas mata

Airmata tak bisa kembali segala senyum mesra

Tak tergambar perit sakit angkara insan alpa

Tanggung pedih bekal sisa kudrat yang ada

Kudrat dulu tabur bakti pertahan nusa bangsa

Kudrat dulu tabur budi bendang ladang dibaja

Pasrah ku padaNya agar derita tak lama

Pergimu tinggal semua dengan redha dan airmata

Ayah

Kau ajarku erti pengorbanan dan keikhlasan

Kau tunjukkanku nilai kesabaran dalam keberanian

Kau hulurkan kasih tanpa beza dan sempadan

Kau bimbingku agar senang dalam kesusahan

Kau beri setulusnya tanpa tagih sekelumit balasan

Kau bekalkanku keyakinan demi sebuah ketaqwaan

Ayah

Namun masih jauh kugapai sifat mahmudahmu

Apa lagi untuk diri dangkal ini saingimu

Senyum tawa tak bisa lekang hingga akhir usia

Senda jenaka anak cucu terbuai ceria

Manis bersahaja walau kalanya jiwa terluka

Hati terguris kau pendam tanpa secalit dendam

Darjat dan maruah keluarga kau angkat julang

Pertahan jiwa raga asal segala sentosa

Aku

Tersentak dari alpa mengejar nikmat sementara

Selimut putih tak tunggu usia dan masa

Gumpalan sedih hati dan airmata tak kembalinya

Tak duga semuanya sekelip mata

Sering yakini esok masih ada untuk segala

Terpinga kenang masih banyak dosa padanya

Aku

Terampunkah silap derhaka

Sering terlanjur kata tidak atau sengaja

Banyak harus kutebus tapi bagaimana

Tahu tiada kau simpan semua di dada

Masih sayu kenang sabar tenangmu dari riak mata

Terbalaskah segala korban tabah usaha

Tak mungkin cukup walau dunia kuberi segala

Harusnya dulu hargai sepenuh sebelum tiada

Cari ampunnya demi keampunanNya

Aku

Ditimang tatang penyeri keluarga yang diundang

Dibangga hasil usaha keringat tenaga buka mata mereka

Dirindu ketika jauh terpisah antara benua cari bekal di dada

Dibilang harapan penyambung waris agar terus bertapak

Didoa direstu daki tangga ke menara tanpa damba balasnya

Diharap hulur doa soleh bekal damai sentosa di alam sana

Kini

Tercapai aku apa yang diimpi namun tanpa izin masa

Ayah pergi tak saksi di saat kukecap semuanya

Walau sebaris kata berita gembira tak sempat kukhabar

Kini

Aku jauh lagi di lain benua asing walau sedikit beza

Tinggalkan pusara Ayah jauh di bumi tanah tumpah

Walau sehari tak pernah lekang dan luput ingat padamu

Aku

Bangun jangan terus diulit senang hadir hanya sekelip

Syukur nikmatNya buang alpa hias dunia tak ke mana

Istiqamah titip doa bingkisan buat bekal Ayah di sana

Tiada putus doa soleh tiada pisah halang itu janjiNya

Ingat kau ada zuriat dan kau akan ke sana bila tiba masa

Apa yang kau beri kini itu yang kau dapat nanti

Ayah

Semoga rahmat yang Esa balas luhur sifatmu

Agung jasamu bukan sekadar satu dalam sejuta

Terus kucuba baik silap salah dalam lemah diri ini

Tak dapat warisi muliamu tapi harus ku jejak teladan

Ya Allah, ampunkan aku dan terimalah doaku

Ya Allah, ampunkan Ayahku dan tempatkannya di syurga selamanya .....

Zulkefli Haji Mohamed Noor

Manchester

26 Jun 2011

Mana Milik Kita - Rabbani

Di sebalik lirik yang ringkas, jelas dan mudah difahami ini, tersirat maksud yang sangat mendalam untuk kita hayati - tiada apa yang nak kita banggakan dengan kehidupan yang sementara ini ...
 

Mana milik kita
Tidak ada milik kita
Semua yang ada
Allah yang punya

Tidak ada kita punya
Kita hanya mengusahakan saja
Apa yang kita dapat
Allah sudah sediakannya

Kita Allah punya
Bumi langit ciptaan-Nya

Miliklah apa saja
Tidak terlepas dari ciptaan-Nya

Mana kita punya
Tidak ada kepunyaan kita

Kita hanya mengusahakan
Apa yang telah ada

Mengapa kita sombong
Memiliki Allah punya

Mengapa tidak malu
Kepada Allah yang empunya

Patut bersyukur kepada Allah
Yang memberi segalanya

Malulah kepada Allah
Kerana milik Ia punya

Janganlah berbangga
Apa yang ada pada kita
Kalau Allah tidak beri
Kita tidak punya apa-apa

Janganlah mengungkit
Mengungkit jasa kita
Jasa kita di sisi-Nya
Yang sebenarnya Allah punya

Marilah kita bersyukur
Bukan berbangga

Bersyukur kepada Allah
Bukan mengungkit jasa

Gunakanlah nikmat Allah itu
Untuk khidmat kepada-Nya
Selepas itu lupakan saja
Agar tidak mengungkit-ungkitnya

Happy 8th Birthday My Son

Today, Hariz Adam, my eldest son turns to 8. I still can vividly remember, 8 years ago, the day when Adam came to our lives. The moment when I moved to another big chapter in my life - as Ayah, who has to be fully responsible and answerable on everything about my son. The time  that made me really amazed how great is Allah, among others, in creating another human being - Subhanallah.

I just couldn't thank enough my wife who has gone through a lot of difficulties during pregnancy until the day when Adam was born. Still clear in my mind, how happy she was with a big smile, seems like all the pain diminished right away, when looking at our first son with his innocent small eyes staring at us.

Today, 8 years have passed since Adam came to this world. We were so happy that we managed to find a brilliant birthday card (at Lowry Mall, Salford Quay) - Adam's favourite English football team. As expected he loves the card so much.

          

For birthday treat, he requested for sushi, so we took him to Yo! Sushi, our favourite sushi restaurant at Manchester Arndale. As for birthday present, we have yet to buy him the present - latest Chelsea 2011/2012 jersey that we will buy during our visit to Stamford Bridge next month.

Dear Adam, "On a special day like this, we just want you to know that it is really awesome to have such a lovely and obedient son like you. Have a wonderful birthday son" - Lots of love from Ayah & Mama.

"Ya Allah ! Jadikanlah anak-anak kami anak yang soleh yang dapat mendoakan kebaikan kami di dunia dan Akhirat, Amin"

Happy Father's Day

Yesterday, 19 June 2011 was a Father's Day. I received two lovely cards from my boys - Adam and Adli. I noticed that on Friday, while we were walking back from school, both of them were talking to each other that the Father's Day would be on Sunday. They hinted me that there will be a surprise that I will only know on Sunday.  I was literally aware that even at home, they were whispering to each other about that too, can't wait to reveal their 'BIG secret', perhaps haha..... I was just pretending as if I got no idea on what is gonna happen.

At the end, on Sunday after I came back from a dialogue session at the British Muslim Heritage Centre, the well kept BIG secret was finally revealed. Each of them handed me a lovely card that was prepared at school. Thanks sons for the lovely card..!!! Thanks for the effort and more importantly the thought - "I will try the best that I could to be the best Ayah for both of you, sons".

Card from Hariz Adam. The rationale why he chose blue colour is because "Ayah likes Manchester City team."

Card from Hariz Adli. His justification on the colour, red - "Because Ayah's favourite colour is red".

Looking to these cards reminds me to my Ayah. Happy Father's Day, Ayah. You are the best Ayah for me. Really feel that I have never thanked you enough when you were around. At this moment, neither card nor present that I can give you now, Ayah. But deep in my heart I know that, I would be able to give a lot more than all these. Something that money can't buy, something that more than the world, something that you are hoping for that will be directly delivered to you and will last forever - 'doa anak yang soleh'.

"Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa Ayahku. Kasihanilah Ayahku sebagaimana Ayahku telah mengasihani aku sewaktu aku kecil dahulu. Himpunkanlah roh Ayahku bersama roh-roh orang yang beriman dan bertaqwa. Jauhilah Ayahku daripada siksaan kubur dan azab api neraka. Luaskanlah kubur Ayahku seluasnya taman-taman di Syurga dan di Akhirat nanti masukkanlah Ayahku dalam Syurga bersama mereka yang soleh, Amin".

~Zul

Manchester

My Very Last Holiday with Ayah, 3-5 April 2009

It was initially an unplanned holiday as I didn’t have any intention to go to Cameron Highlands during that time. It was all started with my colleague, NH asked me on whether or not I would like to replace her and family to take up the CBM’s resort in Cameron – she was awarded for the resort after balloting. Unfortunately, her husband had to attend to other important matter. Given that the weekend was going to be my birthday – though I’m not that kind of person who really celebrates birthday, am too old for this I guess, nevertheless, I saw that as a good opportunity for me and family to take a short weekend break out of our routine lives. Furthermore, to go to one of my favorite local holiday destinations – green and beautiful scenery, different landscape, less pollution, and most importantly colder weather, why not, we go for a break in the peaceful highland of Cameron Highlands.

After checking mine and my wife schedules, without any hesitation, I accepted NH’s offer with a million thanks.  The next day, I rang Mak and Ayah inviting them to join us – knowing that none of them have ever been to Cameron. As for me, this is gonna be my second time. Ayah agreed to join us, but Mak didn’t want to – worrying about her knee pain.

The 3 days, 2 nights break went beautifully - as beautiful as Cameron. Among other attractions that we  will never experience in KL, we took Ayah to the tea plantation which always offers a spectacular green view of millions of the tea leaves to the tourists who love peaceful green environment with the cool breeze air. Not forgetting a lovely tea break that we had on the hill top – absolutely extraordinary, peaceful and calm – as calm as Ayah.  We also had an opportunity to take Ayah to strawberry farm for strawberry picking. The first strawberry picking experience for me as well, in Malaysia. It was a new experience for Ayah as normally I only took him to the big towns and cities. Though the green has always been part of Ayah's life, but at least this time, it is something different.

Undoubtedly, Cameron has always been my favorite place given its uniqueness. But, above all this, it means a lot more to me now as Cameron is the very last destination that I managed to take Ayah to, the very last (unplanned) holiday with Ayah, which I had never thought so, as I was almost certain that time, as always, will permit me to take Ayah to Melaka in July - as planned.

"Ayah tak berkesempatan menyaksikan hasil perjuanganku"...

30 June 2009. Empat hari setelah ayah pergi buat selama-lamanya, aku kembali ke BBB untuk meneruskan perjalanan hidup di dunia yang sementara ini. Life goes on…. Aku tidak mengambil cuti panjang kerana selepas ini aku akan pulang lagi ke kampung untuk menyelesaikan urusan-urusan lain. Betapa berat hati untuk meninggalkan kampung, tanah pusara ayah yang masih merah, wajah emak yang sayu dan sepi, perasaan marah dan dendam terhadap ‘cina yang melanggar ayah’ dan segala macam perasaan lagi. Walaupun aku redha dengan ketentuan Allah, cuma sekali-sekala pertanyaan  datang menghimpitku – is this real or it’s only a dream? Ayah pergi dalam sekelip mata, untuk selama-lamanya …..

Aku dan keluarga tiba di BBB menjelang maghrib. Sebaik sahaja tiba dan aku sempat berehat sekejap, ku lihat ada sms. Nombornya tak aku kenali, pastinya ingin mengucapkan takziah. Benar, pembukaannya ucapan takziah. Dr Has mengucapkan takziah atas pemergian ayah, dia mengerti apa yang aku rasa kerana dia sendiri telah kehilangan ayahnya sewaktu dia masih kecil, namun dia akui kesedihannya tak pernah pudar hingga kini.

Seterusnya, Dr Has menggantikan perkataan ‘takziah’ kepada ‘tahniah’ kerana dia ingin memaklumkan beberapa berita gembira kepadaku. Kegembiraan yang tak pernah aku sangkakan, di saat aku masih lagi bergelut degaan kesedihan yang sedetik pun tidak pernah aku sangkakan. Dr Has menyatakan – “Scholarship dapat, manager post pun dapat, dan ‘boss’ department sekarang ingin counter offer untuk manager post di department sekarang”. Allah hu Akbar..!!! Alhamdulillah …Segala usaha dan titik peluh ku telah berhasil dengan izinNya. Apa lagi yang dapat aku katakan. Perjalanan hidup ini sememangnya Dia yang tentukan, Dia yang Maha Berkuasa atas segala-galanya, kita hanya mampu berusaha. Dalam tempoh beberapa hari,banyak perkara yang tak pernah aku duga berlaku dalam hidup ini. Terima kasih Dr Has atas ucapan takziah dan seterusnya berita gembira dan ucapan tahniah.

Aku harus membuat pilihan; 1) melanjutkan pelajaran ke UK; atau 2) menerima jawatan pengurus di jabatan baru - HC Department; atau 3) menerima tawaran pengurus di jabatan sekarang – DF Department ???? Hanya satu harus ku pilih ... Namun, disebalik 3 pilihan ini, if possible ingin saja aku meminta satu lagi pilihan – kembalikan ayah…Pastinya, tidak sukar bagiku untuk membuat pilihan…

Masih jelas nasihat ayah agar aku terus berusaha untuk mencapai apa yang terbaik. Ayah sering berkata InsyaAllah, jika ada rezeki, hajatku akan kesampaian. Usahaku sentiasa diiringi doa mak dan ayah. Tapi kini di saat apa yang aku impikan dan usahakan telah kesampaian, ayah telah tiada. Tidak sampai pun seminggu jarak waktu yang memisahkan berita duka dan suka. Tak berkesempatan aku menyampaikan berita gembira ini kepada ayah, tak berpeluang lagi aku melihat ukiran senyuman ayah menyambut kejayaanku kali ini. Aku ditenangkan oleh isteri yang sentiasa di sisi, yang amat memahami, malah dia lebih jauh memahami - dia telah lalui semua ujian ini, diusia yang lebih muda dariku bersama tanggungjawab yang lebih berat untuk dipikulnya. Lantas segera aku kongsikan berita gembira ini dengan mak. Apakan daya ayah, ini takdirNya yang lebih mengetahui lebih dari kita yang tidak tahu apa-apa…Jauh di sudut hati, sebagai insan biasa, hadir perasaan terkilan kerana ayah tak berkesempatan menyaksikan hasil perjuanganku….

Ayah
Belum pun ada satu hari yang berlalu
Tanpaku mengenangmu
Terkilan hati ini
Menerima hakikat
Kau tak berkesempatan
Menyaksikan hasil perjuanganku
Percayalah ayah
Selagi hidup ini
Nasib ibu tidak akan dipersiakan
Kami rindu ayah ...

Sering ku tanya
Mana tujuan
Namun hampa jawapannya
Begitu pun masa
Tiada mengizinkan
Perginya
Tinggalkan semua

Perjuangan
Diperjuangkan
Demi Tuhan dia rela
Menghitung hari-hari
Mengenangkan kembali
Perginya
Bertemu Ilahi
Bilakah pasti

Ayah
Demi Tuhan ku bersyukur
Petunjuk-Nya menyedarkan kita
Meskipun dosa
Tiap hari ku pinta
Agar bersih
Semuanya

Penderitaan
Dan perjuangan
Jasamu
Tetap ku kenang

Suatu yang sedih
Bergumpal di hati
Tiada
Mampuku beri
Hanya doa terukir
Setulusnya murni
Ku pinta
Pada-Mu Ilahi
Setiap hari

Ayah
Demi Tuhan ku bersyukur
PetunjukNya menyedarkan kita
Meskipun dosa
Tiap hari ku pinta
Agar bersih
Semuanya

Penderitaan
Dan perjuangan
Jasamu
Tetap ku kenang
Oh...Ayah
Oh...Ayah

AYAH
Aishah – Album Aishah II 1998

Al-Fatihah: Haji Mohamed Noor bin Kassim

 Ayah, my tears can't never bring back your smile, can't never replace your calmness, patience and honesty ...

June 25, 2009, Thursday, around 4.30 pm. While I was having a discussion with my immediate supervisor, my hp was ringing, I ran slowly to my work station and picked up the phone. My niece (Kak Enod) called and she said, "Acu, Tok Wan accident naik motor ... teruk jugak ... kena bawa ke Hospital Besar Ipoh...". After clarified a few critical points with her, uninvitedly the only thing that straight away came to my mind, though I tried to deny as much as I could, and tried to be positive as posibble that thing will be alright, was I'm gonna lose my "Ayah". I didn't have this kind of feeling when I received a phone call from Chak a few months ago informing me that Ayah had an accident when he was driving his car. 

Redha dan tawakkal - I was calm at the beginning though there was a heavy mixture of emotions - sad, sorrow, regret, etc.. increasingly afflicting my mind and soul. Composedly, I went to surau (it's Asar prayer time) then called my wife (she was in the meeting) but managed to get her somehow. Then, took the train and walked to my wife's office. Drove back to BBB (in KL traffic condition - wish I could fly) to pick up my kids and maid. Only after Maghrib we managed to drive to Ipoh from BBB and once again, how I wish to have a pair of wings for a few minutes or hours in my entire life, though I know I wish for an impossible wish... We reached Ipoh at about 10.00 pm. Emak, my sisters and a few family members had arrived. Ayah was in the ER undergone emergency procedures. Few minutes later, they allowed me to go in. Yes, physically Ayah was unconscious (as what everybody told me). Sadly and softly, I whispered to him that I'm here beside him, then I saw his eyebrows and forehead lines were moving responding to my voice. I touched his old and weak fingers - not as strong as before or in those years that worked hard to raise me, then I realised those fingers move, again he responded to me. I held his fingers cautiously - though not as good as the way he touched my fingers more than three decades ago, I had a strong feeling that he knew that I was standing right beside him. Helplessly, my heart was screaming and begging, for even a single word - I wanted him to talk to me, and for only one eye blink, if possible - I wanted him to see me, to see my presence, to see my hope, for the last time, perhaps.

Later, the doctor called me and my sisters to explain about Ayah's condition - internal head bleeding, broken collar bone and five out of seven left ribs . Allah..!! That was the only word that came out.  The doctor need our decision on whether to undergo head operation (with a very slim chance) or to pray, wait and see. Four of us (Kak, Chak, Chik and me) agreed for the latter. Tawakkal, as Allah knows the best for Ayah.

In early morning, Ayah was transferred to HDU. The nurses that handled Ayah's condition were excellent - supportive, understanding and professional. I can't literally put in writing how was the feeling looking at Ayah who was fighting with all the pains. Maximum morphine was given with all the life support equipments, I just couldn't stop my tears from flowing heavily.  Before this, I'm not a man who could simply shed my tears. I wish l could tell everybody that came in and out, one after another to visit Ayah, how's the feeling inside. Thanks for eveybody that came and for the prayer and sympathy. Couldn't recall as there were too many friends and families that came.

June 26, 2009, Friday, 11.55 pm, Ayah dijemput pergi ... and this time Ayah will go forever and will never return to his family and friends who will never forget the man, among others, who hardly hurt other people's feeling, always with his smile (no matter he's happy, sad or sick), his honesty (I can see it in his eyes) and his patience (that make me nothing compared to him). I was by Ayah's side throughout the critical final moments of his life to remind Ayah - Kalimah Syahadah. Feeling so fragile and so small facing moment of sakaratul maut. Allah Hu Akbar...I was strong at the end, without any tear came out. Perhaps, they have flown away from my eyes in hours before. All the hospital and police procedures were completed very smoothly without any hiccup. We drove back to my hometown after the van jenazah left the hospital and reached there early morning. Everything was prepared perfectly waiting for Ayah. Thanks to everybody.

June 27, 2009, Saturday, 2.30 pm, Ayah is buried peacefully in the land, not the land where he was born, but the land where I was born, and the land where Ayah's sweat and tears dropped to raise me, to feed me, to eqiup me with knowledge, to make me happy, despite all the hard work and life that he has been through. Thanks very much Ayah and forgive me for being far from the good son that I 'm supposed to be. "Hanya doa terukir setulusnya hati, kupinta padamu Ilahi setiap hari...".  Al-Fatihah.

Two questions for myself - 1) Would I be able to be as good as Ayah, at least to my kids..? 2) Have I done enough (though forever seems not enough) for Ayah if not here, but there - hereafter?... All the answers lie within me ....